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A while ago, as an ‘acting exercise’, I had to answer the question ‘What does success feel like? What does success look like?’
On the day it was due I stayed home, sick, so afraid of not having the right answers.
But I had ready to be printed out two pictures- one of two persons in love even though they seemed to not know it, both wearing immaculate white, smiling and oblivious. They both look down to something or someone and are caught mid expression without loosing any of their beauty.
Another one is one of the person of that first photograph with child- I can’t begin to describe how much this picture moves me. (thank God for strangers on the internet posting pictures of their happiness)
The last one was of a hug between me and a make-believe ten years old version of myself, as the subtitle read ‘take care of yourself’. As a promise to this young child who’d grow up to be me.
I wish I was in a place with myself where I could share and show proudly those pictures. I am not, but I am confident I will be eventually.
Of the few hidden files on my computer those are the ones I am attached to the most and yet the ones I fear the most- for they could be discovered or stay as what they are- files in a hidden folder.
(insight from the whatsuccesslooks/feelslike folder)
sometimes I worry I’m just too late- missed my chance kind of thing
although there might not have been a chance to have in the first place- it just feels that way
(and I’m still looking for a translation for ‘rater sa vie' (I found 'failing at life' but it lacks the sense of actively letting things pass us), thus being a very French concept it is still a very present irrational fear- maybe other feel it too)
my dreams look like watercolors
distilled scenes from a future life- order et beauté
luxe, calm et volupté
domesticity, everyday life
blonde locks, everywhere, in a crib, in my bed
maybe a furry friend of two
and organic vegetables deliveries
and an electric car in the driveway
and her, her, her
but here here here
on a path sizzling near the abyss
oh so intriguing and tantalizing
because why not jumping and falling if this path isn’t going anywhere?
if there’s no blond locks? no organic deliveries? no electric car?
I like to think I’d rather die
in the same thought I miss the others
and crying in my sleep, I pray
all I ever want is
(to have it all figure out)
I find it funny how people react to my little exile- all of them, always, surprised by the ambition, bluffed by the courage to go by myself…
and then I wish whoring the internets wasn’t such a valid occupation nowadays because all the lives of these others, displayed more or less perfectly through the screen, makes it hard to come to terms with our own decisions-
makes it hard to see the courageous and the ambition
it just shows all the voids we should attempt to fill
I still wonder what would have happened if my 13 years old self was still following best-friend-of-these-days
maybe she is, somewhere- I wonder if she’s happy
(but I know I will)
So happy to share my last project, ‘I Feel Love’ by N U I T!
Réalisation, DP, editing : Camille Cotteverte / Colorgrading, FX : Cédric Rolando (Graphistman.com)
Featuring Ash Lendzion
So U See I Productions - souseeiproductions.com
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